Because it’s about people typing funny things into search fields to get to my blog. But it’s also about games!
Down to business. Thanks to my latest Among Thieves post, the “sexy nathan drake” types are showing back up at my site. It’s nice to see you all again. Second, someone got here by typing “tom cross shouldn’t be gaming.” That hurts Internet. I didn’t know you felt that way. I like gaming so much, why would you take it away?
Anyway, I’m happy to say that Left 4 Dead 360 will be showing up soon. Hopefully I’ll be able to play it with a small amount of skill. I’m mediocre on the PC version, I’d hate to think what I’ll be like using a controller. Peggle: Dual Shot is still entertaining me. I’m now grappling with a stupid magic rabbit, whose power is utterly worthless. I long for my magic pumpkin now!
Finally, a RE 5 update. I’m on chapter 5-2 (I think), having just defeated the (spoilerz, spoilerz, etc.) ludicrous giant spider boss. I forgot to tell you about the “tribal” villagers. You thought the villagers from the first two chapters were bad? Wait for the wetlands. I was making the Tintin in the Congo reference as a bit of a joke before. This time it’s no joke. You’ll fight painted, masked, lion-clothed villagers, who look like they jumped straight out of Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull. Capcom, classing it up. There’s actually a boy’s diary that you find in a village, that delivers the kind of humanizing look at the pre-infected society that would have changed the beginning of the game, to some degree. Luckily, Capcom stuffed it at the en of the 3rd chapter, in an optional document… And by luckily, I mean it doesn’t make a damn difference, with every other move they make, they’re digging themselves and even deeper hole. The reasoning they give for these villagers dressing up in “traditional” garb (and by traditional, I mean ripped from tabloids and serials older than my grandparents) is paper-thin. Apparently the villagers just started dressing in this fashion (and murdering each other) after being infected… Um, apparently this is a symptom of the version of the Progenitor virus specific to that part of Africa (and specifically, the marshlands and the nearby caves), which only affects men. Men who kill their families and villages as they become infected. Capcom, this is not how you do this. Oh, I’m sure it’s just “how this version of the virus is,” but it also happens to fit conveniently into your vision of what unpredictable, violently traditional people the Africans you’ve created are. And that’s just one angle to critique this game from.
The game is getting dumber by the minute, and I hope it doesn’t take me with it. The writing is bad, the kind of bad that makes you want to go Eternal Sunshine the time you’ve spent with it. Part of it appears to be some kind of weird syntax and wording thing. It’s how a game would look if I translated it from French (but mine would be worse). You’d figure Capcom would hire somebody who knew both languages well enough to make the game intelligible to English ears. Maybe it’s just really badly regularly written? I can’t tell.
The story and script are offensive not only in their content but also in their basic approach to storytelling. Chris and Sheva make Bruce Willis (and I mean Asian women-hating Die Hard 4-era Willis, not my beloved Fifth Element Willis) look like Humphrey fucking Bogart. (more of the spoilers? Not really) Albert Wesker is the hugest kind of tool; maybe he’s what designers think gamers would like to be like? There is absolutely no reason to be interested in him. There are a million other bad guys in games who I would rather watch or fight. His sidekick, the hilariously voiced Excella (no, really, that’s her name, I bet she’s good at things… Maybe she even excels at them!), wears “sexy” clothing and attempts to use her wiles to convince Wesker to let her be his “partner” Wesker (using devilish tactics no doubt culled from the “women like debasing themselves before men” school of literary inspiration), but is rebuffed by his Manly Devotion to Wearing Glasses and Having Blond Elvis Hair. They (most of the characters) stubbornly continue to use the word “partner” a lot. It’s gotten almost as bad as the “fertile ground” situation. Also, the spiders creep me out, the little ones, that is.
And I may still finish it and play it with Owen. What kind of fool am I?