Pure, Undiluted Crap
Posted by deckard47 on September 10, 2008
Now, I know that the title of this post is a mean one. I’m making fun of Pure, Disney’s new game. I could have written “Pure Shit” up there, and that would have been a tad more silly, a tad more trite.
Make no mistake, Pure is one of the most highly offensive experiences I have ever had as a gamer. Let me tell you why. There’s this hideous announcer, who introduces you to all of the “sweet” “intense” and (possibly) “extreme” things you can do in Pure. He’s like Burnout Paradise’s DJ Atomica, but without a personality. You’ll want to kill him after one second. Then there’s the music. They start you out with “Woman” by Wolfmother, and you rock out to that for a bit, driving around (forgetting that Motorstorm did this, with good gameplay). Then the “pumping” low-key Disney approved (INTENSE!) ambient soundtrack kicks in. It’s like driving to the sound of someone punching a rubber wall. Sweet!
Next, there’s the gameplay. The strategy involved in this game can barely be called strategy. You do tricks, they give you boosts, you boost past guys. It’s like Mario Wii meets Motocross Madness meets Motorstorm. But it sucks. The boosting is boring and without interesting mechanics (you get boost power from tricks, but as you use up boost, your tricks become less sweet!). It doesn’t have Motorstorm’s difficulty or sense of potential accomplishment, or Mario’s fun world. By the way, I love those 3 games, especially Motocross Madness 2. I played that game for hours, trying to make my guy crash differently, or getting amazing trick combos. It was brilliant.
In Pure, the tricks could be cool, but there isn’t a sense of urgency, or novelty, or inventiveness. There’s no punch to the crashes, the landings, the wins. There’s no sense of speed, or danger, or daring, or anything approaching fun. It’s like Tony Hawk was put in a wine barrel and left to age for 50 years, and then staggered out, assumed an edgy yet family friendly persona, and began spluttering about “real” “intense” shit that he just “totally landed.” Oh my God. The hideous Xtreme-ness permeates all parts of the game. The names for tricks, boosts, and jumps are all viewed through the announcer’s villainous lens. The game is boring, offensive, and brazenly derivative. And this is just a demo. Maybe it’ll change, I guess.
Wait, I forgot something.
Everything I just mentioned is put through the Disney strainer of family friendlyness. The game’s play has no bite, because crashes are vaselined over (or avoided). Your freindly Disney approved sex offender avatar will give you the thumbs up, or talk to himself (no fucking joke) about that sweet trick he just aced, or what a totally rad air he just slip-hopped or whacked or euphemismed. This game makes me want to go back to the fucking grammar school I never attended. Give me a gun now. This is a game that Disney has “carefully” designed to “appeal” to your grandma and your stupid little brother. It’s like Nintendo went out and cut out their own brains and intelligent business sense, and then went around making business decisions. I finished playing the demo a while ago, and sat there, trying to figure out how to write about it. As I explained to Owen, in a strange way, the game was preventing me from complaining about it. Thinking about these different parts of this game is painful. I didn’t want to write about it because it made me feel dumb, thinking about writing about it. It was like the fucking game Kasparoved me: I couldn’t write about how bad it was, because it was too shitty to write about. It silenced me through unrelenting bad quality. Please, believe me, Pacific Rift and Baja are going to be Gods compared top this game.
I realize that this post has been vulgar, infantile, and semi-uninformative. I apologize. Maybe the final product will leave grade school behind, leave its soul-sucking mindless inoffensiveness behind, and actually present a challenge, point of interest, or (can I hope) a facet that isn’t sickeningly, professionaly bland and “appealing.” I hope it does, because right now this game is sitting atop my mind like a Tintin devil, stopping me from enjoying this post. I want to revel in my clever fucking riposte here, but instead I’m just sad. Wow. Again, I apologize that this is how I break my short blogging silence. More blogging tomorrow, of a more friendly, less annoying variety, I hope.